I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize