saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
