rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Randomize
