dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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