I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
