ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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