your room smells of hookers.
And success
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
