i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
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on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
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Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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