Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Randomize
