Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
