I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
the liver wants what the liver wants
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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