I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
