i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
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