youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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