I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize