Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I'm like, not good at living.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
