I just pynch a tree in the face
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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