Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
