wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
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Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
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Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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