and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Randomize
