you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Less talking, more tequila
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
we should paint friendship bongs
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