No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I have feelings that need drinking.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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