"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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