The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Randomize
