My cat gives me a boner
no. you can't hotbox the world.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
