sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
