I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
