Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
