So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Randomize
