be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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