So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
