One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
