How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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