im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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