You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Randomize
