I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
