a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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