Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
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