I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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