No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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