It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
