If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
She told me I should be a condom model.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Randomize
