I understand Curling. That high.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
