this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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