If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
