I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
