I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
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The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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