How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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