Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
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I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
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Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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