I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
they're like a gay fantastic four
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
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