So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
