I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
