I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
