in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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